


Yardstick

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Hivebent, Penis Size, Pesterlog, Trolls, body issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-04
Updated: 2011-06-04
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>D --> Karkat, I asked you to delete this</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yardstick

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to the people who made that cool reading. Could you repost it?

centaursTesticles (CT) began trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG)

CT: D--> Sir, I have something to ask you

CG: WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, SWEATBAG.

CT: D--> I want to show you a photo, and I need your honest opinion on it

CG: IS IT ONE OF THOSE STUPID MUSCLEBEAST PAINTINGS?

CG: I AM NOT LOOKING AT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

CT: D--> At this point I have throughly sch001fed that trolls as shamefully low as you on the hemospectrum are physically incapable of enjoying art

CT: D--> No offense, sir

CG: NONE TAKEN.

CG: JUST SHOW ME THE DAMN THING SO I CAN GO BACK TO TROLLING.

CT: D--> Yes, sir

centaursTesticle sent carcinoGeneticist R001er.jpg

CG: OKAY, WHAT IS THIS I'M LOOKING AT?

CG: OH DEAR GOD! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SEND ME THIS?

CT: D--> I just thought, as our leader and as a fellow male, you could assist me

CG: DO I LOOK LIKE A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL?

CG: I DON'T W ANT TO LOOK AT YOUR SWEATY DISGUSTING GENITALS.

CT: D--> Oh dear

CT: D--> Does it 100k infected?

CG: NO.

CG: WAIT LET ME CHECK.

CG: NO AND FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME LOOK AT THAT PICTURE AGAIN.

CT: D--> Are they not pleasing to you?

CG: IS THIS SOME ATTEMPT TO GET ME INTO YOUR CONSCUPIENT QUADRANTS?

CG: BECAUSE IF SO, CONGRATULATIONS FOR OUT CREEPING ERIDAN.

CT: D--> I would never dare enter a relationship with one as debased as you

CT: D--> No offense, sir

CG: AGAIN, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

CG: I'M JUST RELIEVED YOU AREN'T HITTING ON ME.

CG: SO WHY ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT YOUR BONE BULGE?

CT: D--> Well, sir,

CT: D--> If you 100k at the picture I sent you,

CG: NO.

CT: D--> It is really more like two different pictures I merged together

CT: D--> I photographed myself in both my normal state and my aroused state

CT: D--> Well, it is difficult to tell scale from a photo, so I provided a r001er

CG: OH DEAR FUCKING GOD.

CT: D--> Yes, I'm afraid this e%ercise showed me that though I am an e%ecellent specimen of my caste, I sadly do not e%actly measure up everywhere

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

CG: WHEN I DECIDED TO LEAD A BUNCH OF TROLLS IN PLAYING A TOTALLY NON-SEXUAL GAME

CG: LIKE WE CAN'T EVEN ALCHEMIZE ANYTHING THE SLIGHTEST BIT CONSCUPIENT,

CG: SO I'VE HEARD, THAT IS,

CG: I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD END UP DEALING WITH EVERYONE'S FUCKING MATING LIFE.

CT: D--> Sir?

CG: YOU DUMBASS MUSCLEBRAINED MORON, YOUR BONE BULGE IS PERFECTLY FINE.

CT: D--> It is not too small, sir?

CG: THAT'S A NORMAL FUCKING BULGE.

CT: D--> Really?

CG: I'VE SEEN A LOT OF BONE BULGES IN ACTION ONLINE.

CG: I MEAN I'M YOUR LEADER SO OF COURSE I'M RIGHT.

CT: D--> Sorry for doubting you.

CG: WHEN DID YOU START DOU BTING YOUR PHYSICAL FITNESS?

CT: D--> It started when the royal purple b100d started prepositioning me

CG: OH ERIDAN NO.

CG: WE NEED TO PUT THAT SPAWN-CRAZY FISH ON SALTPETER OR SOMETHING.

CG: DID YOU?

CT: D--> I turned him down as STRONGLY as I could

CG: OF COURSE, WE WOULD HAVE HEARD FROM HIM IF HE HAD MANAGED TO TRICK SOMEONE INTO PAILING WITH HIM.

CT: D--> When he was attempting to flirt with me,

CT: D --> He said that I â€œprobably had a "huge fuckin bone bulge", pardon my 100d language

CT: D--> After I refused him, he laughed and he said I was just afraid

CT: D--> He said I was afraid he would find out I

CT: D --> Wasn't whale-sized everywhere

CG: AND YOU BELIEVED HIM?

CT: D--> He is noblity

CG: HE'S ALSO A SAD BITTER LOSER.

CG: THAT WAS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF SOUR VINE-GROWING PURPLE-FRUIT.

CT: D--> I suppose you are right.

CG: OF COURSE I'M RIGHT, I'M YOUR LEADER.

CT: D--> He has never entered concupient relations with another male

CT: D--> And though it behooves me to say this, I doubt he ever consumated his black feelings with Vriska

CG: DON'T MAKE ME DARE THINK OF THOSE TWO TOGETHER.

CG: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE I'D RATHER POUR ACID ON MY THINK PAN THAN EVER IMAGINE FILLING PAILS, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ARADIA?

CG: DID SHE EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR BONE BULGE?

CT: D--> During our matings she did not speak against me

CT: D--> She, however, did not say much of anything

CG: THIS WAS WHEN SHE WAS ACTIVATED, RIGHT?

CT: D--> Yes, during those times

CG: HAS ANYONE ELSE SEEN YOUR BONE BULGE?

CT: D--> No one but Aurthor, and a butler would never comment on such things

CG: SO WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA IT WAS TINY?

CG: OH WAIT, I KNOW, IT'S YOUR STUPID ART.

CT: D--> Please do not insult my fine art collection.

CG: I'LL INSULT WHAT I WANT.

CG: IT'S THOSE STUPID MUSCLEBEAST FAULT YOU'RE GIVING ME THIS HEADACHE.

CG: I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I DO KNOW THOSE MUSCLEBEASTS ARE HUNG LIKE A GUILTY SCALEMATE.

CG: YOU REALLY THOUGHT ALL THE GUYS WERE HIDING MONSTERS IN THEIR PANTS?

CT: D--> Well, maybe not in their relaxed state, but when aroused I assumed their bone bulge grew to the size of a one solar sweep wriggler

CG: WHAT THE FUCK.

CG: HOW THE HELL DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK?

CT: D--> I am not an e%pert in biology

CG: BUT YOU ARE AN ENGINEER.

CG: HOW WOULD THE HYDRALICS WORK FOR THAT?

CG: WHERE WOULD YOU GET ENOUGH BLOOD TO INFLATE AN ORGAN TO A QUARTER OF THE SIZE OF THE OWNER?

CG: WHERE DOES THE BLOOD GO WHEN THE DEED IS DONE?

CG: EVERY MALE TROLL WOULD DIE OF AN ANEURYSM AFTER PAILING.

CT: D--> I suppose I should have known better

CT: D--> I did afterall design a male-type bone bulge for the Aradia robot

CG: UGHH

CT: D--> I did not have to deal with the limitations of blood flow, but I still couldn't make it the size I wanted

CT: D--> I had to make a much smaller model and it still was often times too large for penetration

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN.

CG: I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT YOU THAT I NEVER WANTED TO LEARN.

CG: BUT I AM GLAD I'VE LEARNED HOW TRULY STUPID YOU ARE.

CG: HOW COULD YOU BE SMART ENOUGH TO BUILD TROLL-LIKE ROBOTS AND STILL NOT KNOW A THING ABOUT TROLLS?

CT: D--> I hoped that Aradia would enjoy taking the superior role more given my limitations

CT: D--> I do not know if she enjoyed any of our coupling

CG: SHE IS A HEARTLESS MACHINE NOW.

CG: I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT SHE'S THINKING.

CT: D--> But maybe if my bone bulge was bigger, she might have responded more

CG: OH GOD YOU'RE JUST LIKE SOLLUX NOW.

CG: "OH KK I'M A THUCKY HACKER" WHEN HE'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME.

CG: I WISH I HAD YOUR BONE BULGE.

CT: D--> Really, sir?

CG: DAMNIT I JUST WANTED YOU TO STOP COMPLAINING.

CT: D--> How big is your bone bulge?

CG: THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY BONE BULGE.

CG: YOUR BONE BULGE IS SEVEN ZIGS LONG WHEN ERECT.

CT: D--> I might not have measure it correctly

CG: YES, YOU DIDN'T START EXACTLY AT THE BASE.

CG: GOD I HATE YOU MORE NOW.

CT: D--> Umm, do you mean like in that sense?

CG: FUCK NO.

CG: I KNOW I SOUND LIKE I'M HITTING ON YOU, BUT I'M JUST SAYING I LIKE YOUR BONE BULGE.

CG: I JUST DON'T LIKE ALL THE SHIT SURRONDING IT.

CG: AND NO, DON'T TAKE THAT AS A COMMAND TO CHOP IT OFF AND DROP IT ON MY KEYBOARD AS AN OFFERING.

CT: D--> I won't, sir.

CG: AND STOP SENDING PICTURES OF YOUR GENITALS TO PEOPLE OVER THE INTERNET.

CG: YOU AREN'T GOING TO GET A MATESPRIT BY SENDING THEM PORN.

CG: WELL, MAYBE TEREZI WOULD LIKE THAT, THE FREAK.

CT: D--> Terezi?

CG: DON'T YOU DARE.

CG: IF I EVEN HEAR HER SAY "IT TASTES LIKE BLUEBERRIES" I'M GOING TO ASSUME IT'S YOU AND I WILL HURT YOU.

CG: BY NOT HURTING YOU.

CT: D--> I will follow your command

CG: NOW FUCK OFF IN SOME NON-LITERAL SENSE.

CT: D--> I will clean myself up now

CT: D--> I'm afraid I have made quite the mess

 

centaursTesticle (CT) ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG)


End file.
